A Little Life

As Jude finds himself unable to recover from Willem’s death despite the passage of time, he embarks on a campaign of trying to kill himself indirectly; rather than committing one act that will end his life, he weakens his body through near-starvation and hopes that an infection will kill him. He finds that when he starves himself for long enough, he has hallucinations of Willem, which he enjoys and therefore actively tries to cause. He begins withdrawing from his social life completely, canceling all plans and trying to conceal his alarming weight loss behind baggy clothes.

One day, Andy pays him a surprise visit at his office and is stunned by his emaciated frame. Shortly afterward, a group of his closest friends gather to confront him, a confrontation that ends with their insistence on his forced hospitalization. At this point, he finally gives in to his anger completely, fighting back viciously as he is strapped to a hospital bed and put on a feeding tube. He is only released many days later with strict regulations: He must eat all his meals in someone’s presence to ensure he is eating, he must see Andy regularly for physical check-ups, and he must resume his therapy sessions. He chafes against these restrictions and treats those around him cruelly—Harold and Julia, Andy, and his therapist, Dr. Loehmann. He attends the therapy only perfunctorily, not participating with any real effort.

Finally, his anger reaches a climax at a dinner with Harold and Julia. He insults Julia’s cooking before shattering his plate against the wall. He prepares for Harold to finally hit him and eject him from the apartment, but instead Harold embraces him, calling him his sweetheart. The lovingness of the gesture shocks Jude, and he collapses into Harold’s arms. He realizes that with Harold and Julia he finally has the experience that most children have in their earliest years: behaving badly, testing parental limits, and being loved anyway. No caregiver in his childhood ever loved him unconditionally. This experience breaks his anger streak, and he makes a determination: “He would be a better person […] He would be a more loving one” (700). He resumes sessions with Dr. Loehmann and begins participating earnestly, voluntarily offering up the tragic tale of his past.