Be Not Far from Me

“To be in that kind of condition the deer must not have gone violently, or its bones would have been tossed about by the teeth that took its life. Instead it lay down and died quietly of old age, either dappled by the sun or with soft snowflakes that landed on closing eyes. It died quiet, under the trees. I think that’s how I’d want to go too.”

When Ashley finds a deer skull, she appreciates its beauty and rarity and thinks about the tranquility of the deer’s death. Although she expresses a desire to die quietly like the deer, this desire is tested and reversed later in the novel, when Ashley faces the possibility of death. She decides that she will not curl up and die under a tree; instead, she runs wildly through the woods and successfully fights with every ounce of willpower she possesses to stay alive.

“But my other option is to yell for help, and to be honest I’d rather pass out four or five times on the way back to the campsite than admit that I need it. It’s deep inside me, a gene come down from my momma that drove her to do everything alone—even that last thing, which was leaving. That little bit of DNA is mixed in with my dad’s inability to say he was wrong about something, and explosive mix that blew their marriage to bits when I was just a kid.”

This passage highlights Ashley’s pride, as she refuses to yell for help, even when in a life-threatening situation. Ashley thinks about her parents and connects their traits to her own stubborn pride. Ashley’s reflections on her family and her past provide context for her transformation as she eventually does choose to call for help later in the novel.

“I’ve gone a day or two without food in my life, always playing up like I’m on a diet or something when I show up to lunch without anything to eat. Meredith would make a joke, say she’s getting chubby anyway and slip me half her sandwich.”

Revelations like this one show that Ashley is no stranger to hardship. She and her dad did not always have enough money to buy food, so Ashley understands hunger. Her experience helps her face her hunger in the woods and to note the difference between hunger and starvation. This passage also shows Meredith’s care for Ashley; despite their differences, Meredith has been there for Ashley when times were tough.

“Places with no people—or the leavings of them—were sacred to me, offering a distinct sense of being alone that I couldn’t achieve with power walkers moving past me, neon shoes flashing as they bitched about their neighbors. I guess I was always looking for solitude. I’ve got that now, in spades.”

Ashley appreciates the peace and separation from civilization that nature can offer yet notes that it’s difficult to find natural areas unblemished by human presence. Ironically, Ashley now has the solitude she craves and finds herself wishing for any sign of another human. This tension between untouched nature and human presence suggests that a balance of both is necessary. Parts of nature should be treated as sacred and remain untainted by human influence. Simultaneously, humans have a need for relationship and connection to other people, and living only in the solitude of nature fails to fill that need.

“This I don’t know. This is everything I have inside of me singing at a pitch that’ll break your eardrum. This is life-changing pain. This is why animals kick.”

Ashley experiences many moments of extreme pain throughout the novel, yet McGinnis finds fresh ways to describe Ashley’s pain in each one. After Ashley amputates a portion of her foot, she explains that the pain she feels cannot be compared to any other kind of pain she’s experienced before. The repetition of the word “This” at the beginning of each sentence creates emphasis and drama to help convey the intensity of Ashley’s pain.

“There’s nobody here but me, so I’ve got to sit up and do what needs to be done.”

Ashley’s thoughts highlight the self-reliance motif. She recognizes that no one is around to help her; she has only herself to turn to. Ashley’s ability to clearly and honestly read her situation and respond to it is an asset that helps keep her alive. Instead of pitying herself, she finds inner strength and is her own hero.

“Even though everyone I’m thinking about makes me feel bad one way or another, I’d give anything to have one of them here with me right now. So I do the only thing I can think of and start calling for them.”

McGinnis signals a change taking place in Ashley. Whereas at the novel’s beginning, she refused to call for her friends as a point of pride, she breaks down and calls for them now. She also starts to recognize that despite the flaws in her relationships with friends and family, she needs them and is thankful for them. Ashley is tough and determined but reaches a breaking point here, in which she starts to appreciate her life and the people in it.

“I start unraveling Davey Beet’s hat. I don’t want to, and it hurts my heart more than a little when I pick out the knot at the crown that his mom tucked in when she finished it.”

Davey’s hat symbolizes the feelings that Ashley has held onto for Davey even though years have passed since he disappeared. Just as Ashley unravels the hat, she must also unravel her feelings for Davey and let go of him. At this point, Ashley unravels just enough of the hat to give her yarn for practical uses, such as tying a sandwich bag to her foot as a makeshift bandage. However, she gives the hat back to Davey’s mom at the novel’s conclusion, signaling her full release of her attachment to Davey.

“I wonder what he’d think now that I used the same fist to break his brother’s nose, whether he’d tell me I lost my shit or offer to hold Duke while I took a second shot. There it is now, and I can’t ignore it. I pulled on that particular weed and it came up, root system and all, and I’ve got a big, gaping hole to stare at and figure out what I’m going to fill it with.”

Ashley’s narration is characterized by poetic language, including the use of metaphor. Here, Ashley compares her feelings about Duke’s betrayal to a weed that leaves a hole after being pulled. The use of metaphor in descriptions throughout the novel adds wit and vividness to Ashley’s narration and helps the reader connect with her emotions.

“I taught them there’s nothing worse than humans. And while I learned it young myself, I didn’t ever want to have to be the one bearing the message.”

When Ashley kills the mother possum in front of its babies, she struggles with the ethics of her choice. She knows that killing the possum is necessary for survival, but she hates the harm she causes. This connects to the theme of The Human Impact on Nature and shows Ashley’s appreciation for nature. McGinnis highlights the tension between caring for nature and using nature to survive. In order for one living thing to survive, another must die.

“Unnatural things always turned my gut a bit, like the plastic wrappers I’d find alongside the trail or a ball of fishing line left behind in a tangle that couldn’t be undone. But I’d give my good foot to see something that means another person was out here not too long ago, or a flash of neon from a power walker that would lead me to the trail.”

This passage relates to the theme of The Human Impact on Nature as Ashley reflects on her usual frustration with finding evidence of human presence in natural areas. However, McGinnis shows Ashley’s changed feelings toward this issue as she wishes for any sign of another person. McGinnis shows the detrimental effect humans can have on nature but suggests that complete solitude in nature for an extended period is not always as welcome as one might think.

“I said all those things to the person who raised me, the parent who stayed, the one who fed me and dressed me and read me books every night and made high-pitched voices for the girl characters. And every word I said cut him deep, down through skin and bone and biting into the soul.”

Ashley reflects on an argument she had with her dad, and she is filled with regret at her intention of hurting her father’s feelings. Having realized that her complaints about living in a trailer were petty, she longs to make things right with her dad. Identifying regrets and ways to make amends are important parts of Ashley’s self-discovery and character transformation.

“The truth is I miss my shitty house, and not just for the shelter. It is home, and has someone in it who loves me.”

Part of Ashley’s transformation is realizing how much she took for granted. She complained about living in a trailer in the past and was embarrassed of her home, but now she appreciates it in a new way. She realizes that her home is valuable not because of its structure or value, but because of her dad’s love for her.

“People have never been decent about leaving nature alone, tearing into her with machines of metal teeth and money-hungry mouths. How many times did I have to pull to the side to let a gas truck pass me, the little road that led to my house too small for the both of us?”

Ashley identifies ways in which humans blemish natural areas. She points out the human tendency to ruin nature rather than protect it. McGinnis uses Ashley’s frustration to point out The Human Impact on Nature and to bring reader’s attention to the need to respect and preserve nature.

“I couldn’t eat a tenth of it and carry about the same before it went bad. It’s curiosity that leads me on, not need. So when I come across the fawns I’m not looking them up and down to assess where the good cuts are. I just enjoy them. They’re grazing in a small clearing, little nubs of teeth pulling up the new grass. They’ve still got their spots, dazzling white in the sun, contented tails flicking back and forth as they eat.”

Ashley appreciates nature and its beauty as she watches the fawns grazing. Even though she is starving, she refuses to attempt to kill a deer because she knows most of the meat would be wasted. The imagery in Ashley’s description develops the beauty of nature motif and helps the reader visualize the scene alongside Ashley.

“I’m discovering me out here, for the good and the bad. There’s things I’m proud of and stuff I’d rather forget, but it all makes up who I am and what I was, and what I’ve got to work with if I want to become something else. And I don’t get to do those things or be that person if I die out here.”

When Ashley realizes how much her time in the woods is changing her, she is filled with a renewed resolve to survive. She has confronted many of her regrets and the imperfections in her relationships and herself, and she wants a chance to make things right with others and to become a better person in general.

“Everything is against me: the wind, the rain, the trees themselves. The nature I’ve respected all my life has no interest in showing me the same.”

McGinnis highlights Nature’s Wildness through Ashley’s eyes as she realizes that nature has no room for compassion or any sense of fairness. Nature can be powerful, untamed, and brutal. Ashley thought she understood this before but now knows it through firsthand experience.

“I do not know if I am panicking or if this is the most sane I have ever been. Have I finally lost it, or did I only realize that there is no hope, and to run through a storm is better than to die curled under a tree? There is something freeing in giving up and accepting that I am going to die out here. If the woods will have me, then first I will drink all it has to offer, a child once again, uncaring as to how I look or what others may think. I am utterly alone, untethered.”

When lightening strikes and trees start falling nearby, Ashley runs blindly through the forest. She refuses to give up and sit, waiting to die. Instead, she chooses to accept death and make the most of what she thinks are likely her final moments. Her actions reflect her determined, unyielding character and her inner strength.

“Davey died curled in a ball, either from hunger or pain or the realization that no one was coming for him and the only person he could get close to was himself. His knees are up to his chest, bones poking through the worn cargoes he always hiked in, his skull resting against his kneecaps.”

McGinnis contrasts Ashley and Davey Beet. Whereas Davey died curled up in his tent, Ashley won’t let this be her fate. She resolves to keep fighting until she can no longer take another step, and she refuses to let others say that heartbreak caused her to leave for the woods and die. McGinnis highlights Ashley’s inner strength and resolve through her willingness to face the possibility of death and to keep pressing on.

“I don’t know if I’m going to get a chance to fix things I’ve done wrong, but I know what they are now, if nothing else.”

Ashley’s time in the woods alone leads to self-discovery as she examines herself and her life in a new way. McGinnis shows that when people are brought to their lowest point, they are forced to confront parts of themselves that they usually ignore. Ashley’s survival experience changes her for the better because she recognizes and understands parts of herself, her emotions, and her past that she ignored before being in a life-or-death situation.

“I finished the race, but the bus is leaving and Coach won’t carry me and I’m not going to make it. I’m going to die leaning against this electric pole, or right at the finish line. I don’t know which is which anymore, like the cans of tomato soup lined up in the middle of a blizzard keeping me warm while I died in the snow. Dad came out to get me that time, but there’s no one here. This is my call, and I make the decision.”

When Ashley spots two utility workers in the distance, she feels the last of her strength leave her and has a moment in which she feels like she cannot move another step. However, she demonstrates self-reliance when she realizes that this is her chance and no one is around to help her. Just as she has relied upon her own strength for her entire ordeal in the woods, she must complete this final act of making herself known to the workers without help from anyone else.

“The woods comes off me in a small pile of sticks and dead leaves and dirt at my feet, all of it washed and sanitized, sucked down the drain along with three more ticks that I find. I feel even thinner once I’m done, like without the woods on me I’m not really me anymore. I’m someone newer, cleaner. Someone a few pounds lighter without all the dirt. I look in the mirror for the first time and meet this new person.”

Ashley showers at the hospital, and the dirt that leaves her body symbolizes Ashley’s old self washing away. The shower signals Ashley’s inner transformation as she realizes she is not the same person she was when she first entered the woods. Both externally and internally, Ashley is changed.

“I’m not ashamed of the overgrown yard or the ripped trampoline, the cinder-block steps and the rusted spots in the metal siding. Maybe once I would’ve been, but not after I found out what it’s like to go without it.”

When reporters come to the trailer Ashley shares with her father, she realizes she is no longer ashamed of their humble home. She does not take her house for granted anymore. McGinnis shows that going without something helps one appreciate it in a fresh way.