Down the Drain

“Lately I’ve been stealing anything I can get my hands on. I go to the stores in the neighborhood and they never suspect me. I’m smooth. I never get caught. I steal candy from the dollar store, I steal makeup from the drugstore, I steal clothes out of the laundry room of my building. And sometimes when my dad’s wallet is sitting out, I take a small amount of money and stash it in the secret compartment of my music box. It’s not much, just twenty dollars here and there. Sometimes fifty. Sometimes five. But it sure adds up quickly. However, I only know how to count to ninety-nine. So I stack piles of ninety-nine dollars until I have so many stacks that I need to find a new place to hide them.”

Julia’s childhood stealing habits are a symptom of her fraught home life. Julia learns to steal because she needs to take care of herself. The habit is one of Julia’s early survival mechanisms and reactions to her challenges.

“I learn to navigate my way through shattered expectations and constant disappointments by putting an impenetrable wall up between us. Every time I let my guard down, I’m quickly reminded why my defenses were up in the first place. It’s nearly impossible for me to flourish in an inconsistent hostile environment, especially when my own growth is so intertwined with his. I’m forced to face the unsettling reality that the people who are supposed to protect us are sometimes the same people we need protection from.”

Julia’s increasingly fraught relationship with her dad compels her to seek love, acceptance, and validation outside the context of her family. Her dad’s negligence and abuse also acquaint Julia with disappointment and abandonment from a young age. As a result, she is driven into other complicated relationships, seeking the love her dad couldn’t give her.

“After a couple of months of meetings, nothing shocks me anymore. But I do learn that it’s never too late to change your life. The woman who woke up on the bathroom floor was almost fifty before she got sober. This gives me hope for some reason.”

Julia’s childhood experiences at Trisha’s dad’s AA meetings foreshadow her journey with addiction and recovery. Julia doesn’t understand why she feels hopeful after hearing one member’s story, but her profound response to the woman’s story foreshadows Julia’s future. She will need similar hope and encouragement while pursuing healing and recovery.

“My grades are suffering and my home life is a nightmare. My mom is now pregnant and I overhear my parents discussing the baby’s due date, with my mom reassuring my dad that he’s the father. I’m just surprised that they still have sex, as they seem to despise each other. My mom wants to give birth in New York and take maternity leave, which means she’ll be around all the time. I’m not used to having her so close, and it’s safe to say that it’s just not working out. She invades my space, she encroaches on my freedom, she steps on my independence, she trespasses in my room, and she throws out anything she doesn’t like.”

Julia’s dysfunctional relationship with her mom compromises her sense of autonomy, freedom, and selfhood. Julia wants to be loved by her mom as much as she does by her dad. However, her mom’s hostile behaviors impede Julia from feeling safe and seen in her presence. These facets of Julia’s home life reinforce her need for love and acceptance in her other relationships.

“My mind is consumed by Giovanni, and he knows how much power he has over me. He controls me with crumbs and I beg him to let me go. He says okay, but he always comes back. We get stuck on this loop for the rest of the summer.”

Julia’s relationship with Giovanni sets a precedent for her future romantic relationships. Julia is infatuated with Giovanni even when he neglects or mistreats her. She feels powerless to eject herself from the dynamic in the same way she will later feel powerless to free herself from Ace, Shane, and Rohan. These relationships simultaneously mirror Julia’s experience with addiction.

“Once we arrive at the park, I’m unimpressed. I can’t pinpoint what it is but I feel different. It’s as if I aged ten years in one summer and all the things I found fun before no longer excite me. Everyone else, on the other hand, seems exactly the same. Childish. They crowd around me as I tell them in detail about my wild escapades in Italy. They gasp when I tell them I had sex behind a church. After a while, everyone scatters and I get bored. When I find Rose and tell her that I want to leave, she looks confused and almost offended. I can tell she wants to stay so I don't ask her to come with me and for the first time ever, I go home early.”

Julia’s time in Italy changes her perspective, complicates her friendships, and alters her regard for New York. Julia returns to the city, hoping to reconnect with her familiar home and social life. Her unexpected response to these environments and people compels her to reflect on who she is becoming and what she wants.

“On the plane, my mind descends into darkness thinking about my grandpa. I’m a piece of shit. I didn’t even say bye. I tell myself it’s okay, I’ll go visit him over the summer. I think about Barbara and Letizia and my other friends from school. They’re going to be so pissed that I didn’t tell them I was leaving. I think about my teachers at school who will probably call my mom. I think about Veronica. My heart hurts.”

Julia’s plane ride from Italy back to New York launches her into a bout of self-reflection. Julia knows she is doing something wrong by stealing from and lying to her grandfather and abandoning her friends and life in Italy. However, she doesn’t know how to justify her moral conscience with her bodily desires and she’s still coming of age and learning how to balance her needs with others’ expectations of her.

“Before I can thank her, Ace says, ‘Trish, can I have a word with you?’ His tone makes it sound more like a command than a request. He walks out of the room and she trails behind him like a lost child. I sit in silence for a moment, wondering what they could be talking about. I begin unpacking my suitcase and neatly place the contents inside the drawer. I find my return ticket and hold it in my hands. The door swings open. I instinctively crumple the ticket in my palms. I’m relieved to see it’s Trish.”

Julia’s return ticket to Italy is symbolic of escape and self-liberation. Julia is beginning to realize that she must get out of her relationship with Ace, and her ticket is the only way she can imagine doing so. The ticket grants her a fleeting sense of empowerment because it would allow her to leave Ace without confronting him. Ultimately, he destroys the ticket, trapping her in the relationship.

“‘He had a temper. He would push me around. He would break everything in the house. […] He broke everything in Ace’s room too.’ Her gaze shifts to the floor. ‘It really traumatized Ace. He could never just relax after that.’ My mind races back to my own childhood, to memories of my parents and the lasting impact they had on me. As I think about Ace’s outburst, a wave of sympathy washes over me. I realize that he’s also a victim of his upbringing. He can’t help being violent. It's all we know.”

Julia’s conversation with Ace’s mom helps her understand how she and Ace are both products of their challenges. Ace’s mom gives her a window into Ace’s trauma, which allows Julia to understand him better. At the same time, she will soon learn that Ace’s trauma isn’t an excuse for his abuse and that she has trauma of her own that she is still overcoming.

“He’s infiltrated every aspect of my life, and the only time I feel at peace is at night, when he’s locked in his cell. He always knows exactly what I’m doing, who I’m talking to, and where I’m going. Sometimes he’s even able to tell me what color shirt I’m wearing. He warns me that he’s having me followed. I don’t know who to trust anymore, and I’m losing my mind. I discover that Trish, who still had my Myspace log-in, was sending Ace photos of my conversations. This sends me in a spiral.”

Julia’s abusive relationship with Ace complicates her self-discovery journey and her perception of love. Julia feels trapped by this abuse dynamic because of Ace’s violent, possessive, and controlling behaviors. He has a direct impact on Julia’s mental health and well-being that clouds the way she sees herself.

“She pounds on the door as Rick passes me a dust blunt. I take one pull and collapse backward onto the couch. The techno stops and an ocean of black floods my vision. I hear myself think, What is this? Oh my God. What is happening? and then a voice in my head tells me, ‘Julia, you’re dying.’ I desperately plead with myself to hold on tight and not let go, even though I feel warm and comfortable, not at all high, but finally at peace. Suddenly I’m transported to an ascending roller-coaster ride of happier times flashing before my eyes. Starting at the bottom, I see my earliest memories.”

The first time Julia overdoses she has a near-death experience that grants her perspective. Julia doesn’t get and stay sober in the wake of this incident, but the images she saw at the time help her to think about her past experiences and future life differently. This is a crucial moment in Julia’s recovery journey.

“Everyone turns their attention toward me and the peppery brown line on the plate. Liana’s chin starts quivering as her eyes dart from me to the plate. ‘Everyone needs to get out!’ Nobody moves. ‘I said, GET THE FUCK OUT! NOW!’ Her guests grunt and groan and shoot me dirty looks as they’re quickly ushered out the door by Kai. Once they’re all gone, she looks me dead in the eye. ‘This is not okay. You cannot bring heroin into our home. I dead-ass won’t be friends with you anymore.’”

Liana’s response to Julia’s heroin use captures her love for her friend. Liana threatens to disown Julia if she doesn’t stop using heroin because she cares about Julia’s well-being. The friends have a complicated dynamic, but Liana prioritizes Julia’s health and consistently encourages her to get sober in the coming years.

“I barely hang out with my old crew, consisting of mostly pothead boys from the neighborhood who all stay afloat by selling dime bags to each other. I’ve come to discover that girls are so much more colorful. The dull and sterile backdrop that had been my life is now this vibrant luminescent force field that guides me when I am lost, protects me when I’m in danger, and nurtures me when I need love. I even tell my fellow dommes about Veronica, and they vow to help me find her and beat her ass all the way back to Italy.”

Julia’s time at the Dungeon teaches her about new forms of friendship. The work is demanding and draining, but Julia builds close connections with her colleagues there. This reflective passage captures a shift in Julia’s perspective and illustrates how she is growing up.

“My mind goes back to the overdose, the infinite pit of blackness I saw. I didn’t see a light or a window or a tunnel like the last time. There was nothing for me on the other side. Liana is the only one who seems to care. She calls my mom, pleading with her to save me. ‘She’s your daughter, and she’s going to die!’ she screams into the phone. But I know my mom all too well. I’m not surprised when she hangs up on Liana. I can sense the heartbreak and frustration in Liana’s voice as she yells to no one in particular, ‘What kind of mom doesn’t care about her own kid?’ But I know the answer all too well. I never had a real mom.”

Julia overdoses again and begins to think about her addiction and recovery differently. She starts to understand how dangerous her behaviors are and how much she needs help. Seeking Liana’s support captures Julia’s desire to get better, even if she knows it will be challenging.

“Rohan stands up to get me an ashtray, and I find myself captivated by him. I’ve never felt so safe and at ease with any man. Our conversation knows no limits. We cover it all. He seeks my advice on his children, two daughters who are closer to me in age than he is. He says they're acting out and I tell him not to punish them, they are clearly struggling with something deeper. He values my opinion as if I’m his equal. I can tell by how intently he listens to me and by the fact that he remembers everything I say. He’s a welcome change from the insecure American men I’m forced to be around.”

Julia’s relationship with Rohan changes the course and tenor of her adult life. Julia becomes attached to Rohan because he is the first person in her life to value her comprehensively. He sees, hears, and understands her in a way others do not. Their relationship becomes increasingly complicated over time. However, Fox reveals in this passage what Julia truly wants in an intimate relationship.

“I feel like I’ve been soaring through the infinite abyss for so long and I finally see a glimmer of hope. Liana nudges me to raise my hand. In between ugly sobs and hiccups, I tell the room how lonely I am and how stuck I feel. When the meeting ends, I’m swarmed with people asking for my number, and in no time, I’m transported to the proverbial pink cloud that all the sober folk speak about. After that, I start attending meetings every day and stop hanging out with anyone who isn’t sober.”

Julia’s AA experience ushers her toward healing and recovery. Julia doesn’t remain sober after this meeting. However, this passage underscores Julia’s longing to be healthy and free from her addiction. It therefore marks another crucial turning point in Julia’s recovery journey.

“The next few weeks I’m on my best behavior. I stop seeing Shane, I finish probation, I graduate from community college, and I’m accepted as a student at the New School. I focus on the fashion line. If I can make some money on my own, then I won’t be tethered to Rohan anymore. Liana and I cold-call buyers and send our line sheet to any email address we can find online, rarely receiving a reply. On the weekends we drive around the tristate area with mountains of samples in our trunk and hustle them to high-end boutiques. Even with all this effort, we don’t break even. After a while, I begin to feel discouraged that I’ll never find a way out, and relapse on my favorite drug of all: Shane.”

Julia’s challenges often influence her impulsive behaviors. Julia wants to make something of herself and prove herself to others. However, when her artistic and professional pursuits go awry, she lapses back into drug use or dysfunctional romances. These behavior patterns convey Julia’s ongoing work to claim her voice and seize her power.

“Despite Rohan’s continued support, I can’t shake the feeling of impending doom. I can’t even remember my life before him, and it scares me to imagine my future without him. He’s been my confidant, my mentor, and my guardian angel for so long that I feel lost without him. I regret not getting on medication sooner and I hate myself for the pain and suffering I inflicted on him. And it was all for nothing.”

Julia reflects on her relationship with Rohan after they change the terms of their relationship. Fox’s tone in this passage captures a new perspective and ability to own her mistakes and sympathize with others’ experiences. At the same time, she shows her vulnerability, admitting her fear of a life without Rohan.

“I feel a fleeting sense of redemption, but mostly I just hope that people will believe me now. Even with the book being received well, the damage is done, I have few friends left. And with the book’s obscene imagery now online for everyone to see—I didn’t expect it to get so much attention—I feel exposed and vulnerable. I start rejecting everything around me. I lose interest in New York entirely. It no longer feels like home. New York betrayed me.”

The publication of Julia’s art book both empowers and discourages her. The book grants Julia a sense of authority over her story but also forces her to expose the rawest parts of herself. With time, Julia will learn to balance these facets of her experience, artistic projects, and identity.

“An anxious feeling washes over me. She’s my comfort person. We fight like hell, and we’re not above throwing a few punches, but we always hug it out. And strangely, it only reinforces our bond. Our love is unconditional and never judgmental. She sees me through my lows and never holds them against me. Another thing we have in common is that we are both prescribed the same mood stabilizer, Lamictal. Same exact dosage too. It feels as if we’ve known each other forever, even in a past life.”

Julia’s friendship with Harmony bolsters her sense of self. At the same time, the friends’ closeness makes it difficult for them to part ways when Harmony moves to California and Julia returns to New York. Fox uses a vulnerable and heartfelt tone in this passage to capture the significance of the friendship and foreshadow the immense grief Julia will face when Harmony later dies.

“I’ve been driving on the fine line between ultimate freedom and complete and utter loneliness. Some nights, if I’m too tired to drive, I pull over on the side of the road and watch the shooting stars from my sunroof until I fall asleep. My phone doesn’t have service out here, so I often have only the compass app to navigate. I get lost time and time again, but somehow I end up exactly where I need to be.”

Julia’s drive through the desert is symbolic of her self-discovery journey. In the same way she’s gotten lost on the road, Julia has also been lost in life. In the same way she always finds the right direction on the road, she also finds direction in her life.

“I just want to be there. I so badly want to put myself at the scene so she wouldn’t have had to be so alone. She hated being alone more than anyone I know. I obsessively wonder if she saw my texts before she passed. I pray that she did and that she knew how much I loved her. If only I had just called her back sooner, maybe she would still be here with me. I wish I could go back in time but I can’t, and now I have to live the rest of my life wondering.”

Gianna’s death inspires Julia to change. She realizes she must save herself because she couldn’t save Gianna from dying. She decides to get sober and promises to go on living to honor her late friend.

“The next day, we speak on the phone and I calmly tell him, ‘You need to take some time away from us and work on yourself. You have to get sober and be a real dad for Valentino.’ He doesn’t seem apologetic and barely agrees to my terms. Later that night, I’m heartbroken when I discover he’s been out all night again. He doesn’t respect us, he is never going to change, and I have to get on with my life.”

Ending her relationship with Andrew is a sign of Julia’s self-empowerment. Julia wants help raising her son and wants her relationship with Andrew to heal. However, she decides to stand up for herself and let Andrew go when he proves to be uncapable of change. Her boldness is a sign of her resilience and determination.