Everything I Know About Love

In two separate lists, Alderton explores reasons for and against having a boyfriend. In the “Reasons to Have” list, she includes the increased likelihood of getting a proper birthday cake, having someone to squeeze her butt while waiting in line somewhere, regular sexual intercourse, and the relief of no longer having to flirt with people. Notably, she also writes that having a boyfriend will make other people believe she is lovable. In the “Reasons Not to Have” list, Alderton says boyfriends will not share her taste in music, will point out when she exaggerates a story, make her watch televised sports, and leave his hair all over the bathroom. There are also added responsibilities, such as keeping her room clean and tidy, and keeping her phone charged so the boyfriend does not assume she is dead.

When Alderton is 21, she celebrates her friend Hannah’s 30th birthday. Hannah cries because she can feel herself getting older: As they walk down Princes Street, Hannah wails that all life is now is Tottenham Court Road and “ordering shit off Amazon.” When Alderton turns 25, she understands Hannah’s distress: after a certain point, life becomes waiting for buses on Tottenham Court Road and ordering books on Amazon that she will never read. Alderton feels herself burning out in an existential crisis, and her solution is a change of scenery. She is still close with Alex, Harry’s sister, and Alex asks her to be a bridesmaid in her upcoming wedding in New York City. At the wedding, Alderton finds herself seated next to the only single male guest, a Welshman who builds bridges. They flirt in a way that is “only acceptable when you’re the only two single people at a wedding” (171). The Welshman takes a phone call outside, and Alderton tries to imagine the security of a committed, long-term relationship. Another bridesmaid, Octavia, invites Alderton to the dance floor. Alderton tries to kiss the Welshman, but he rejects her. She calls their flirting a waste of time, and Alex explains the Welshman has a girlfriend.

Alderton matches with a few men on Tinder, and one man invites her out to SoHo for a drink. As they kiss in his bedroom, he says he can only have sex if someone else watches. He asks to invite his flatmate, but Alderton refuses. Alderton goes to a cabin she pre-paid for in the Catskills. She returns from a walk in the woods to see a Tinder message from a man named Adam. When she returns to the city, Adam invites her over and they stay up late talking. Adam says he loves her and asks her to stay in America with him. Alderton says her problem is not the city, it is herself. She returns to England just before her 26th birthday.

Andrea sends an email recap of her year to all her friends and family. She writes that she moved out of her flat, was promoted at work, and broke up with her boyfriend of seven years, Jordan. They tried polyamory, but their schedules did not work well to accommodate each other, never mind adding anyone else, so they separated. Jordan took the cat. Andrea’s hypochondria is still active, and her Uber rating has fallen. She also places less emotional value on her social media presence, and next year she hopes to no longer take her anti-depressants.

Alderton’s shopping list includes routine grocery and household items like “loo roll” (toilet paper), fresh fruit, and milk, but it also includes humorous entries like “An endless supply of cheddar” cheese and “Sanitary products that aren’t scented with a Britney Spears perfume,” as well as more existential items like “Thicker skin,” and “Better ability to say no to things” (193-194).

Alderton recalls her first meeting with Florence, Farly’s younger sister. Florence always felt she was ready to be a grown-up, just like Alderton felt when she was younger. Florence is highly empathetic; she reads and writes constantly, and she engages in activism efforts for LGBT issues and domestic violence awareness. Just before she can attend university, Florence is diagnosed with leukemia, and she starts a blog documenting her journey. Her doctors are hopeful; she responds well to chemotherapy and handles with grace the news that the treatments rendered her infertile. Florence is accepted to York University and defers her placement for a year so she can recover. After her last chemotherapy treatment, Florence bakes a chocolate cake for her nurses. Florence is not out of the hospital long before her health deteriorates again. She makes slow progress toward recovery, but when Alderton visits her, she has not yet regained her ability to speak. Within a week, Florence dies. Hundreds of people attend Florence’s funeral. Florence and Farly’s little brother, Freddie, gives the eulogy, and Florence’s best friend reads a piece she wrote for their school yearbook. Afterwards, Alderton hosts her friends at her new home, and she makes scrambled eggs while they share their favorite memories of Florence.