Everything I Know About Love

This chapter consists of a series of text messages written by Alderton pretending to be her friend India, sent via India’s phone. The first is between India and Sam, an ex-colleague, in which Alderton-as-India asks if she can leave her garbage bins at Sam’s residence since the sanitation workers in her borough no longer pick up every bin every time. She asks Shaun, one of India’s university friends, if he will invest in her plan to sell mini fridges in various colors and asks Zac, another university friend, if she can borrow a pair of his trousers. Alderton-as-India then texts Paul, “a man India once snogged” (217), to ask if he wants to join her new Irish dance troupe.

Emily’s bridesmaids send a mass email to a group, the contents of which include the itinerary for the bachelorette party. The bridesmaids remind recipients that being invited to the “hen do” does not mean they are invited to the wedding, and anyone at the party who attempts to talk to Emily about the upcoming wedding will be ejected from the party.

Alderton meets with her therapist, Eleanor, because she feels like her life is spiraling out of her control and she cannot understand it. Alderton tells Eleanor about her latest fixations on horrible deaths and how she sees herself dying suddenly by accident. Alderton cries, admitting she feels like nothing is holding her together anymore. Eleanor calmly says Alderton has no sense of self and no idea how to be with herself. Eleanor instructs Alderton to let go of the idea that she will ever know what Eleanor thinks of her on a personal level. Every week, Alderton and Eleanor meet to do a “forensic search” of her past, and Alderton likens therapy to an “archaeological dig on your psyche” (230). Alderton appreciates the fact that Eleanor never lets her avoid accountability for her choices and behavior.

Three months later, Alderton makes it through a session without crying. She begins drinking less and less, and she breaks many of her old people-pleasing habits. However, Alderton soon finds herself becoming defensive, even combative, in discussions with Eleanor. She cancels her appointments for over a month, and when she returns, Alderton realizes she tried to quit therapy because she was scared by how deeply Eleanor understands her.

Jack Harvey-Jones and Emily White invite Alderton to their wedding: They choose her for their last invitation because she is “loud and drink[s] quite a lot, which [they] thought could liven up the table of Jack’s introverted friends” (241). The invitation clarifies that they do not want or need gifts from anyone although they do have a registry, and Alderton’s invite does not include a plus-one. At the end of the invitation, Jack and Emily apologize for using the wrong stamps and causing each recipient to pay 79¢ to receive it; they will all be refunded that amount upon entry at the wedding, but only if they have a receipt.

Eight weeks before Farly and Scott’s wedding, Farly calls Alderton and says she thinks she and Scott are breaking up. Alderton is surprised to feel saddened by the potential separation; for so long she wanted her best friend back, but now that she might get her wish, she actually wants them to make it work. Alderton stays with Farly for a few days, and they drive to Cornwall to see Farly’s parents. On the way, Farly apologizes for if she ever made Alderton feel “second best.” When they return to London, Scott officially breaks up with Farly, and Farly’s circle of friends, led by Alderton, make small and big gestures to keep Farly focused on something besides her sadness. They plan a holiday to Sardinia during what would have been her wedding week.

On what would have been Farly’s wedding day, she frequently checks the time and sadly declares what part of the itinerary they would have reached if she were still getting married. Alderton gently reminds Farly that there is no other universe in which she lives a married life with Scott; all that is real is their seven-year relationship, and it is now over. Farly agrees to look to her future, and one day she begins talking about where she might live now and what her new routines will be like. On Farly’s 29th birthday, she sits for a cover-up of a tattoo she got when she was 19. The tattoo was of two stars, one pink and one yellow. She has them both filled in with black ink, and beside each one, a letter: F for Florence, and D for Dolly.