65 pages • 2 hours read
David BrooksHow to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen
Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 2023A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Part 2, Chapters 8-10Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Part 2: “I See You in Your Struggles”
Part 2, Chapter 8 Summary: “The Epidemic of Blindness”
Brooks discusses the societal crisis of disconnection and the impact it has on individual well-being. He describes a prevailing epidemic of blindness, emphasizing the breakdown of genuine connections in a culture marred by political animosities, technological dehumanization, and social fragmentation. Brooks cites alarming statistics on rising depression rates, suicide, and loneliness to highlight the extent of isolation experienced by individuals in contemporary society. He explores how social disconnection warps the mind by promoting suspicion, self-loathing, and a lack of emotional support. The chapter addresses the detrimental effects of loneliness on mental health, as well as the rise of meanness and hostility in society.
Moreover, Brooks identifies a vicious cycle where loneliness begets meanness and contributes to a crisis of distrust. He points out that the decline in social trust is reflected in rising hate crimes, declining charitable giving, and increased instances of rude behavior. The author connects this breakdown to the politics of recognition, where individuals, feeling unseen and disrespected, turn to political ideologies for identity and belonging. However, he argues that politics, in its current divisive form, fails to provide genuine community and connection, serving as outer agitation rather than inner formation. Brooks contends that the politics of recognition exacerbates societal fragmentation rather than addressing the underlying issues of isolation and moral meaninglessness.
The chapter also explores the link between social disconnection and violence, particularly in the context of mass shootings. He refers to Tom Junod’s 2014 interview with a young man named Trunk, in which he revealed his motive for planning a mass shooting and said, “I wanted attention” (103). Referencing this case, Brooks suggests that individuals who feel invisible and rejected may resort to violence as a desperate bid for recognition and identity. The author highlights the importance of seeing and recognizing others to prevent the dehumanization that can lead to emotional and physical violence.
Brooks identifies a fundamental moral failure in society, emphasizing the need for moral formation to teach essential skills such as kindness, generosity, and respect. He traces the decline of moral education in schools, linking it to a broader cultural shift focused on career success rather than character development. The author argues that the demoralization of American culture, marked by a diminishing emphasis on moral talk and categories, has contributed to the breakdown of basic moral skills. He calls for a rediscovery of ways to teach moral and social skills to address the civilizational failure that has led to the pervasive social crisis.
Part 2, Chapter 9 Summary: “Hard Conversations”
Brooks refers to the challenges of engaging in hard conversations by highlighting encounters across differences and perceived power imbalances in a society marked by bitterness and distrust. Drawing from personal experiences, Brooks narrates instances of challenging dialogues with individuals holding diverse perspectives, such as his panel discussion on the culture war, the case of an elderly Black woman in Greenville, South Carolina, expressing fury over the challenges faced by young Black girls today, to interactions with Trump supporters and Native American families.
The chapter emphasizes the importance of understanding individuals not only on a personal level but also as members of various groups within a broader societal context. Brooks contends that effective communication involves acknowledging historical legacies, societal power dynamics, and the impact of ideologies, race, class, and identity.
The author highlights the need to deal with hard conversations by recognizing the power relationships at play, developing curiosity, and maintaining respect. He introduces the concept of “ken” (115) to encourage readers to step into the perspective of others to facilitate understanding and learn The Skill of Truly Understanding and Valuing Others. Brooks draws on insights from cognitive sciences, particularly the work of psychologist Dennis Proffitt, to illustrate how people construct their realities based on their capacities and experiences.
Furthermore, the author explores the challenge of constructing shared knowledge in hard conversations and warns against the creation of divisive “us/them” dynamics. He shares that although hard conversations inherently involve challenges, developing communication skills can promote mutual understanding, trust, and respect, which can contribute to the healing of societal divides. He also discusses strategies for redeeming a conversation when it goes awry, including stepping back to identify issues, clarifying motives through splitting, and redefining the mutual purpose. The author concludes by emphasizing the common human struggles, experiences, and joys that unite individuals to call for a return to the humanistic declaration made by the Roman dramatist Terence; “I am human, and nothing human is alien to me” (121).
Part 2, Chapter 10 Summary: “How Do You Serve a Friend Who Is in Despair?”
Brooks shares a deeply personal account of his experience supporting a friend, Peter Marks, through a severe bout of depression that ultimately led to suicide. Brooks reflects on the challenges and lessons he learned during this harrowing journey. Peter, a successful eye surgeon and Brooks’s oldest friend, appeared outwardly happy with a fulfilling life, yet he was grappling with hidden childhood traumas and the overwhelming burden of depression.
Brooks underscores the difficulty of comprehending depression for those who haven’t experienced it, emphasizing that it goes beyond mere sadness, and distorts an individual’s perceptions of time, space, and self. He describes depression as a cold, black, and empty landscape, quoting journalist Sally Brampton’s depiction. Throughout the narrative, Brooks attempts to understand “how do you serve a friend when they are hit with this illness (123), acknowledging that there is often little one can do to cure the afflicted. Instead, he advocates for creating an atmosphere where the person feels deeply known, respected, and loved.
Brooks shares his initial attempts to advise and uplift his friend, only to realize that the traditional methods of positive reframing and encouragement often fall short. Depression, he learns, cannot be cheerfully talked away; it requires acknowledging the painful reality, offering support, and showing that one hasn’t given up on the person. The author reflects on the inadequacy of words in the face of depression, admitting to feelings of impotence during his friend’s struggle. He emphasizes the importance of just being present, of reassuring the depressed individual that they are not alone, reiterating The Significance of Deep and Meaningful Human Connection.
Moreover, Brooks shares insights from friends and experts, stressing that true friendship involves vulnerabilities and obligations. He mentions the power of small gestures by citing an example of a friend receiving over seven hundred postcards during his depression. He also discusses the challenging topic of suicide, highlighting the need for open communication without fear of implanting thoughts.
Throughout the chapter, Brooks presents personal anecdotes, quotes from experts, and reflections on the nature of depression. He touches on Pete’s theories about the biological and psychological roots of his illness and questions the extensive use of medications in mental healthcare. Brooks expresses regret about not offering more small touches and about his inability to fully grasp Pete’s experience. Despite his efforts and the support from Pete’s family and experts, the author grapples with the tragic outcome.
Part 2, Chapters 8-10 Analysis
In this section, Brooks uses a combination of storytelling, statistics, research, and references to experts to explore the epidemic of loneliness, disconnection, and meanness in contemporary society, and highlight the importance of engaging in hard conversations and being there for those grappling with mental health challenges. The Significance of Deep and Meaningful Human Connection in incorporated in these chapters, particularly in Brooks’s personal beliefs regarding traditional mental health treatment and management.
Throughout this section, Brooks supports his arguments with a wealth of statistical evidence and research. For example, in Chapter 8, he references a report stating a 33% increase in American suicide rates between 1999 and 2019, a surge in hate-crime reports in 2021, and a quadrupling of Americans without close friends from 1990 to 2020. The statistics not only highlight the significant drop, but also correlate this trend with a concerning increase in self-reported unhappiness, showcasing the impact of diminished social interactions on individuals’ well-being over the years. Moreover, in Chapter 8, Brooks references research by Ryan Streeter of the American Enterprise Institute to underscore a significant societal phenomenon. The statistics reveal that lonely individuals are seven times more likely to engage in politics, suggesting that for those who feel disrespected and unseen, politics becomes a captivating form of social therapy. Brooks also cites surveys and research findings, such as the shift from a majority prioritizing a meaningful philosophy of life in 1966 to a predominant focus on financial success in 2015. Similarly, in Chapter 9, Brooks incorporates psychological research, drawing on Dennis Proffitt’s work on perception, to illuminate the cognitive biases that contribute to the challenges of understanding diverse perspectives.
This section continues with Brooks’s conversational and accessible language style. This choice makes the complex societal issues more approachable for a broad audience. In Chapter 8, Brooks uses metaphors and imagery, such as “loneliness obfuscates” (99) and “guns are like serpents in the trees” (103), to convey complex emotions and concepts in a vivid way. He also uses rhetorical question, “is it my fault or is it the world’s fault? Am I a loser or are they losers?” (103) to prompt reflection, engaging readers in the thought process and encouraging them to consider the societal factors contributing to individual struggles. The use of personal pronouns like “my own” (106) in Chapter 8 establishes a connection, emphasizing that multiple generations, including the author’s, lacked education in essential moral skills. The cumulative effect, Brooks argues, is a breakdown in societal cohesion, paving the way for cruelty and disconnection. In Chapter 9, Brooks integrates literary devices, including metaphorical language like “an encounter between visibility and invisibility” (113), capturing the essence of power dynamics in conversations. The concept of “affordances” (119), derived from Gibson’s theory, also becomes a metaphor for how individuals, based on their capacities, perceive and engage with the world, shedding light on the differences in perspectives.
While exploring human connections and societal dynamics, Brooks intertwines real-life examples, personal experiences, and insightful analyses throughout his section. In Chapter 8, Brooks refers to Tom Junod’s interview in Esquire magazine with a young man nicknamed Trunk, who committed a mass shooting in order to seek attention. Brooks employs this interview to underscore the devastating impact of loneliness and societal neglect on individuals, presenting it as a vivid example of the inclination to obliterate the humanity of another when isolated from social bonds. In Chapter 9, Brooks employs anecdotes, such as encounters with individuals in South Carolina, New Mexico, and South Dakota, to illustrate the emotional and ideological divides that permeate American discourse. In Chapter 10, Brooks refers to his personal experience and combines it with psychological insights while discussing the challenges of supporting a friend grappling with depression. Brooks introduces readers to his lifelong friend, Pete Marks, whose struggle with severe depression ultimately ended in tragedy. The description of Pete’s vibrant personality in their youth helps create an emotional connection that humanizes the broader discourse on mental health. Similarly, he refers to a story of a friend who received over 700 postcards when fighting depression to highlight the impact of small acts of kindness for those struggling with mental health issues. Brooks integrate real-life examples and discusses sensitive topics, reinforcing the theme of empathy and connection in the context of mental health challenges.
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