65 pages • 2 hours read
David BrooksHow to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen
Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 2023A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Part 3, Chapters 13-14Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Part 3: “I See You With Your Struggles”
Part 3, Chapter 13 Summary: “Personality: What Energy Do You Bring Into the Room?”
Brooks discusses the critical role of personality traits in shaping individuals’ lives and influencing societal dynamics. He employs the example of George W. Bush to illustrate how a person’s unique combination of traits, in his case high extroversion and low curiosity, can impact major decisions and outcomes, reiterating the theme The Importance of Curiosity in Personal Growth.
The chapter begins with a vivid portrayal of George W. Bush as an extremely extroverted individual. From his childhood days as a class clown and popular kid to his tenure as the Republican governor of Texas, Bush’s exuberant and outgoing nature is highlighted. Brooks emphasizes Bush’s ability to eliminate distance between himself and others, citing instances where he kissed a political opponent on the lips to diffuse tension. While Bush scores high on extroversion, a key point is raised by psychologist Dan McAdams: Bush does not exhibit high curiosity. This lack of intellectual curiosity, evident in his approach to decision-making and meetings with newspaper columnists during his presidency, is identified as a potential contributor to the catastrophic decision to initiate the Iraq War.
Brooks underscores the importance of a healthy society embracing a diversity of personalities, each suited for different social roles. He argues that personality traits are dispositional signatures, which shape individuals’ habitual ways of perceiving and reacting to situations. Despite the widespread use of the flawed Myers-Briggs test, Brooks advocates for the validity of the Big Five personality traits, supported by rigorous research. The author discusses each trait individually and explores their impact on behavior and outcomes.
Extroversion, according to Brooks, characterizes individuals who derive energy from positive emotions, are thrill-seekers, and are motivated by rewards. Conscientiousness is associated with disciplined, organized, and goal-oriented individuals, often excelling in academic and professional pursuits. Neuroticism involves heightened sensitivity to negative emotions, potentially leading to struggles with mental health. Agreeableness is linked to interpersonal skills, compassion, and cooperation, with implications for relationship success. Openness represents a person’s receptivity to new experiences and ideas, correlating with creativity and cognitive exploration.
Brooks acknowledges that personality traits do not tell the whole story about an individual but argues they are a crucial part of understanding them. He likens understanding personality traits to being “sommeliers of people” (179) and emphasizes the need for educated eyes to perceive the nuances of human behavior. The author contends that personality traits predict life outcomes similarly to IQ or socioeconomic status. He asserts that a person’s personality traits are key to knowing how to treat them appropriately, highlighting The Skill of Truly Understanding and Valuing Others.
Brooks refers to the example of Brontë sisters to illustrate how two individuals with similar backgrounds can have vastly different approaches to life based on their distinct personality traits. Drawing on Edward Mendelson’s observations, Brooks contrasts Emily’s inclination towards interior delights and a preference for privacy to experience sublimity and vision with Charlotte’s desire for companionship and love among friends. This contrast is reflected in their literary works—Emily’s Wuthering Heights being more inward, focusing on the challenges of communication in private life, while Charlotte’s Jane Eyre takes a more outward approach, traversing the public worlds of religion and politics.
While concluding the chapter, Brooks asserts that personality traits are not fixed but can be cultivated and developed over one’s lifetime. Citing a 2022 review by Brent Roberts and Hee J. Yoon in personality psychology, Brooks challenges the widely held belief that personality is unchangeable. Moreover, Brooks notes a general trend of improvement in people as they age, evolving towards being more agreeable, conscientious, and emotionally stable. Using the metaphor of a sommelier’s expertise in human personality, Brooks suggests that “you can see people more clearly as, like wine, they improve with age” (189).
Part 3, Chapter 14 Summary: “Life Tasks”
In this chapter, Brooks introduces the concept of life tasks, drawing from developmental psychology, particularly the works of Erik Erikson and Robert Kegan. He asserts that understanding individuals requires recognizing the life task they are currently dealing with and how their consciousness evolves to meet these challenges.
The initial life task discussed is the “imperial task” (193), situated in childhood, where the imperative is to establish a sense of agency. Brooks explains that the associated consciousness, referred to as the imperial consciousness, is marked by self-centeredness and a competitive spirit, and individuals in this stage believe; “the world is a message about me, about how I am valued” (193). Real-world examples, such as Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin, are brought in to illustrate the persistence of this consciousness into adulthood.
The narrative transitions to the “interpersonal task” (195), a phase often encountered in adolescence. Here, the emphasis shifts from standing out to fitting in and establishing social identity. Individuals with an interpersonal consciousness are more attuned to their own psychological traits and the experiences of others. Brooks refers to the idealistic nature of people in this stage, driven by a desire for intimacy and a deep sense of belonging to a group, highlighting The Significance of Deep and Meaningful Human Connection. The struggles of this phase include conflict aversion, people-pleasing tendencies, and conformity.
The subsequent life task, termed “career consolidation” (197), centers on finding one’s vocation or purpose. Brooks underlines the intrinsic pleasure of achieving mastery in a chosen field. The consciousness that emerges during this task is more individualistic, with individuals seeing themselves as the captains of their own destiny. The author introduces the psychologist Brian Little’s idea of “personal projects” (198), emphasizing the experimental nature of this phase as individuals explore various roles and projects before discovering their passion, reiterating the theme The Importance of Curiosity in Personal Growth. Real-life anecdotes, such as Lori Gottlieb’s transition to clinical psychology, is presented to explain the challenges and transformations associated with career consolidation.
Brooks also talks about the dissatisfaction that individuals may face despite achieving success in their chosen careers. Quoting Carl Jung, he suggests that societal rewards often come at the cost of a “diminution of personality” (201). Brooks asserts that “the person at the end of this task realizes that there is a spiritual hunger that’s been unmet, a desire to selflessly serve some cause, to leave some legacy for others” (201). Brooks also refers to Daniel Gilbert’s to convey the idea that people are continuously evolving, yet often erroneously perceive themselves as completed entities.
Brooks then explores the “Generative task” (202), drawing insights from the Grant Study, particularly the life transformation of Adam Newman. The generative task, according to Erikson and Vaillant, involves finding ways to be of service to the world, either through parenthood or, later in life, by becoming mentors. Brooks discusses how individuals often tackle this task during leadership transitions, emphasizing a shift from self-centered career consolidation to a generative mindset focused on guiding the next generations.
Furthermore, Brooks introduces the final task outlined by Erikson: the struggle for “integrity versus despair” (207). Integrity involves coming to terms with one’s life in the face of death, which helps achieve a sense of accomplishment and acceptance. Despair, on the other hand, is marked by regret and bitterness. Brooks highlights the social nature of this phase, where emotion often supersedes rational thinking, which makes life’s trivialities seem insignificant, by referring to the example of a dying man who found joy in life’s smallest pleasure, and the account of Wilfred McClay’s mother who experienced inner development after going through the tumultuous phase of suffering from a stroke.
The chapter concludes by emphasizing the evolving nature of individuals through various life tasks, with Brooks reflecting on his own experiences and the ongoing internal struggle between generativity and the remnants of an imperial ego. Periods of transition between tasks are acknowledged as challenging, requiring the disembedding from an old mindset and re-embedding into a new one.
Part 3, Chapters 13-14 Analysis
In this part, Brooks explores the significance of personality traits and life tasks in shaping individuals’ lives, using examples, anecdotes, quotes, conceptual frameworks, and reference to studies. In Chapter 13, Brooks shares a personal anecdote about George W. Bush’s extroverted personality and his ability to connect with people, such as his childhood behavior and interactions with political colleagues. Brooks shares a humorous story about an encounter between Bush and a Democratic colleague during a breakfast meeting. This anecdote illustrates Bush’s extroverted and humorous nature, highlighting his ability to diffuse tension through personal interaction. Brooks discusses how George W. Bush’s personality traits influenced his leadership decisions, especially regarding the Iraq War to make his arguments relatable for the readers.
Similarly, in Chapter 13, Brooks references Charlotte and Emily Brontë as literary examples to illustrate how two individuals with similar backgrounds can have distinct personalities, influencing their writing styles and perspectives on the world. In Chapter 14, Brooks employs anecdotes and personal stories to illustrate different life tasks. For instance, he shares stories about newborns bonding with their caregivers, toddlers asserting their independence, and individuals dealing with the challenges of career consolidation and generativity. He refers to real-world examples, such as Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin, to illustrate the persistence of imperial consciousness into adulthood. Additionally, he mentions the example of Lori Gottlieb’s career transition, to illustrate the challenges and transformations associated with specific life tasks. In Chapter 14, again, to humanize the psychological concepts and provide tangible examples of individuals navigating the integrity versus despair stage, he incorporates the story of the dying man who suddenly finds joy in walks in nature and the account of Wilfred McClay’s mother, who, despite a stroke that initially led to despair, undergoes inner development and becomes a deeper, more affectionate person.
Brooks refers to psychological and conceptual frameworks in this section to support his arguments. For example, while discussing personality traits, in Chapter 13, Brooks criticizes the Myers-Briggs personality assessment for its lack of scientific validity and contrasts it with the Big Five personality traits, which he argues have rigorous research backing. For each Big Five trait, Brooks provides detailed descriptions, using language and metaphors to help readers visualize and understand the characteristics associated with extroversion, conscientiousness, neuroticism, agreeableness, and openness. In Chapter 14, Brooks introduces and adapts conceptual frameworks from developmental psychologists like Erik Erikson and Robert Kegan to present his theory of life tasks. These frameworks serve as templates for understanding common patterns in human behavior.
Brooks includes quotes and insights from psychologists and experts to provide scientific validity to his arguments. For instance, in Chapter 13, he refers to a 2022 review by Brent Roberts and Hee J. Yoon to explain that personality traits, especially neuroticism, are modifiable through intervention, and people generally improve with age. In Chapter 14, Brooks refers to research studies, such as the Grant Study, which followed the lives of men from Harvard over several decades. These studies serve as empirical evidence to support the developmental stages and life tasks he discusses. In Chapter 14, the author also refers to psychologist Brian Little’s concept of personal projects, highlighting the exploratory phase where individuals engage in diverse roles and projects before finding their true passion. This underscores the overarching theme of The Importance of Curiosity in Personal Growth. Furthermore, he mentions Carl Jung’s perspective emphasizing the need for adapting to changing circumstances, and the quote “human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they are finished” (209) by psychologist Daniel Gilbert, which reflects the ongoing nature of personal development.
Brooks utilizes metaphors to make his ideas relevant. For example, in Chapter 13, Brooks while arguing that personality traits are crucial for understanding individuals, likens it to being “sommeliers of people” (179). In Chapter 14, Brooks employs metaphors and analogies to simplify complex psychological concepts. For example, he describes the attention span of babies using the metaphor of a lantern consciousness (191), contrasting it with the “spotlight consciousness” (191) of adults. Brooks also incorporates metaphors and literary devices to convey the essence of the integrity versus despair life stage. The metaphorical idea that “cancer cures psychoneuroses” (208) encapsulates the notion that facing mortality can bring clarity and a re-evaluation of life’s priorities.
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