43 pages • 1 hour read
Aziz AnsariModern Romance
Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 2015A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Summary
Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Key Figures
Themes
Index of Terms
Important Quotes
Essay Topics
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BetaChapters 3-4 Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Chapter 3 Summary: “Online Dating”
Ansari says that although online dating seems interesting, he never did it because he’s famous and afraid of being stalked. Despite his absence from the online dating world, it’s been massively successful. One dating site, OkCupid, “is responsible for around forty thousand dates of new couples of every day. That’s eighty thousand people who are meeting one another for the first time because of this website” (71).
The Rise of Online Dating…
Ansari gives a brief history of online dating. It began in the 1960s when dating services used computers to create algorithms for potential mates based on a client’s personalized questionnaire. However, these services weren’t widely used because few people had personal computers. Instead, classified advertisements in newspapers “were the medium of choice for singles looking for new ways to connect during the 1980s and early 1990s” (72). He gives the anecdote of Ed, a wealthy, adventurous older man who placed a personal ad and found true love. Another precursor to online dating was video dating, which failed but ultimately made the way for Internet dating. Match.com was the first online dating service to allow people to choose each other, rather than relying on algorithms to choose for them. It essentially took the best components of the personal ad and video dating but gave people access to countless date options: “By 2005 Match.com had registered forty million people” (79).
Online Dating Today
Ansari gives the statistic that “between 2005 and 2012 more than one third of couples who got married in the United States met through an online dating site. Online dating was the single biggest way people met their spouses” (79). Before the rise of online dating, people met their future spouses through mutual friends, work, or social environments like church or bars.
Online Dating and Thin Markets
Online dating has become even more popular for thin markets, “most notably people interested in same-sex relationships, but increasingly middle-aged straight people too” (84). Ansari notes that this is because finding a love interest locally when the pool is small is more difficult than the potentially unlimited options that are available online.
Social Stigma
Despite how popular online dating has become, people still feel stigmatized if they admit to having used it.
The Problems with Online Dating
While online dating seems completely positive, Ansari and Klinenberg interview people to find out what their experiences are like in real life. The people volunteered the intimate details of their online dating lives, including showing Ansari and Klinenberg their online dating inboxes. It was quickly evident that “women get a ton more attention than men,” (88) as their inboxes were overflowing with messages; yet even the most attractive men barely received a fraction of the messages that average women received. Ansari tells the story of Derek, an average man who scrolled through his OkCupid account. He passed by dozens of attractive women—women he probably wouldn’t have a chance with in a bar—because of minor things. Because of the seemingly endless amount of attractive choices online, people pass up amazing options in the hopes that something even more amazing is only a click away.
Exhaustion: Arpan Versus Dinesh
Ansari tells the story of two “very different and interesting men in a focus group in Los Angeles” (91). Arpan is the better looking of the two, but during the interview he expresses his frustration with online dating. When he first began online dating, he spent a lot of time and effort writing messages to women he was interested in, but they never responded. Instead, he began writing generic messages to multiple women, and he got more responses. However, “he also developed a template for his dates” (93). Instead of going to fancy or far away destinations, his dates took place at close-to-home, cheap places; that way, if the date wasn’t going well, he could escape without much harm done. Arpan wants a girlfriend but is tired of online dating.
Dinesh, on the other hand, is less attractive but more successful with dating. The biggest difference is that he doesn’t use online dating. Instead, he meets women in person, at places like church or through mutual friends. He says the key to successful dating is “to have friends who hang out in different groups in different places, and to mix up the nights to that you’re spending some time with all of them. Whether it’s in church, with volunteer groups, at office parties, or on a sports field, it’s always a place where people meet organically” (95).
Most People Stink at Online Dating
Ansari says, “[o]nline dating is like a second job that requires knowledge and skills that very few of us have” (96). This is because many people fill out their online dating profile with the traits they think they want in a mate, but there is usually a vast discrepancy between what people think they want and what they actually want. This, combined with the fact that most people click on a profile based on looks alone, leads to frustration in online dating.
Profile Photos: Why You Need to Go Spelunking with a Puppy ASAP
Ansari explains what kinds of photos are most successful on dating sites. For women, the “flirting to the camera” picture is more successful than a straightforward smile. Men’s pictures are more successful when they’re looking away from the camera and not smiling. The least effective picture for women are when they’re holding an animal or drinking, and the least effective for men were drinking or traveling photos.
Optimal Profile Photos
Ansari jokingly says, “If you are a woman, take a high-angle selfie, with cleavage, while you’re underwater near some buried treasure” (104).
Messaging Strategy
The most successful first messages on a dating site are “between forty and sixty characters” and only take “around two minutes to compose” (105).
Algorithms
Five psychology professors published “Psychological Science in the Public Interest” (106) and argue that dating sites’ algorithms can never predict who will make a good match. Online dating profiles cause people to “overvalue” (107) the information because it’s the only thing they know about their potential love interest. Therefore, “biological anthropologist” Helen Fisher argues that the only way “to determine whether you have a future with a person [is to meet] them face-to-face” (107). Instead of seeing online dating sites as “dating services,” they should be viewed as “introducing services” (108).
Swiping: Tinder and Beyond
Tinder is a dating app that’s unlike traditional sites because it allows users to sign up instantly, without filling in a plethora of personal information. While traditional sites rely on a lengthy profile to make matches, Tinder allows the user to accept or reject a person’s photo based on whether they find them attractive. It also uses “your GPS location to find nearby users” (110) which means that people can quickly connect with singles in their area. The creators of Tinder, Sean Rad and Justin Mateen, “wanted Tinder to seem like a game, one users could play alone or with friends” (111). When Tinder started, people didn’t join looking for serious relationships; they joined because it was fun to swipe through photos. However, by 2014 Tinder was the most widely used dating app for singles in big cities.
Using Technology to Gain Romantic Freedom
Ansari notes that technology is especially beneficial for “those who don’t live in a world of infinite options” (118), like singles living in Qatar. Singles in Qatar aren’t allowed to casually date because their parents arrange marriages for them instead. With “the rise of smartphones, social media, and the Internet, young Qataris are using technology to flout these repressive rules” (121). Singles use emails, texts, and social media to arrange small private parties in hotels to connect. However, they still don’t use dating apps or sits like Instagram because they aren’t anonymous enough and their culture frowns upon personal pictures.
Chapter 4 Summary: “Choice and Options”
Ansari notes that his parents had an arranged marriage. He says that when his dad was looking for a wife, his parents arranged for him to meet with three close-by families. He thought one woman was too tall, one was too short, but that Aziz’s mother was just right. They “talked for about thirty minutes. They decided it would work. A week later, they were married” (124). Ansari notes that this incredibly distant from his own experience: He has trouble deciding where to eat, let alone deciding whom to date or marry. He blames his inability to decide on the fact that he has so many options; he wants to “make sure I’m getting the best” (125). He gives the example of how thoroughly he researches every minor purchase to make sure it’s the best of the best, whether it’s what TV show to watch next or what bag to buy for his laptop.
The “Best” Romantic Partner?
The Internet has opened up a limitless horizon of potential dating partners, meaning that “In the history of our species, no group has ever had as many romantic options as we have now” (127). However, having so many options hasn’t made dating easier; it’s made it more difficult. Psychology professor Barry Schwartz’s research “shows that when we have more options, we are actually less satisfied and sometimes even have a harder time making a choice at all” (127).
The Paradox of Choice in Relationships
Singles are looking for their soul mate, or “the best” option (131), which is why they’re having difficulty settling down; they keep looking, thinking that the best option is just a swipe or click away. In multiple focus groups, people admitted it was hard to stay with one person because “every corner you turned revealed more potential opportunities” (131). Sheen Iyengar, a Columbia professor, conducted a study where she and other researchers set up a sampling table of different jams inside an upscale grocery store. They either offered six types of jam or 24. People were more likely to stop and try one of the 24 jams, but they didn’t buy any: “People who stopped to taste the smaller number of jams were almost ten times more likely to buy jam than people who stopped to taste the larger number” (132).
Limited Options: Journeys to Wichita and Monroe
Ansari wonders if having fewer options would make a person happier, so he goes to two smaller towns, “Monroe, New York, and Wichita, Kansas” (133) to investigate. He notes that people in smaller towns usually get married at a younger age than people in larger cities, and he wonders “Could the lack of options be forcing these people to commit earlier and get into serious relationships?” (134). After talking to many singles in both towns, it seems unanimous that they think small towns have a “cliquish mentality” (135) and that everyone already knows each other. One woman, Michelle, says that dating in a small town is like a “cesspool” because “Everybody has slept with each other” (136). However, one man, James, says that if you dig hard enough in a small town you may just find gold.
Analyzing Our Options
Helen Fisher, anthropologist, says, “[o]ne of the problems with the first date is that you know very little about the person, so you overweigh those things that you do know” (139). However, if people move past the first date and try to get to know one another, they often find that they fall for a person’s deeper qualities, like their passions or humor.
Our Boring-Ass Dates
Ansari notes the irony that most people are looking for excitement in a potential partner, but their first date is usually boring; and a boring environment doesn’t bring out the best, or most exciting, parts of a person. When Ansari asked people to give him the details about their best first dates, he realized “how many involved doing things that are easy and accessible but require just a bit more creativity than dinner and a movie” (141).
The Effects of Non-Boring-Ass Dates
In a 1974 study called “Some Evidence for Heightened Sexual Attraction Under Conditions of High Anxiety,” researchers found that people are more likely to be attracted to each other when they’ve been in a stressful or dangerous situation together.
More Boring-Ass Dates?
Ansari decided in his personal dating life that he was going to go on multiple dates with one person rather than multiple first dates with various people. This allowed him to really get to know people he wouldn’t have otherwise seen again, and he liked them more the more time he spent with them.
Chapters 3-4 Analysis
These chapters focus on the benefits and pitfalls of online dating, and how it all relates to the idea of choice. In Chapter 3, Ansari explores the history of online dating and how it has drastically changed the dating landscape that previous generations had known. Not only has online dating led to the illusion of choice, as discussed in Chapter 4, but it’s also altered how people view each other. Rather than getting to know someone deeply through face-to-face interactions, online dating sites like OkCupid create an artificial space where people feel like they know one another based off pithy, superficial profile information. Tinder takes this a step further, forcing people to make dating decisions based on someone’s picture. In Chapter 3, Ansari remains neutral on the topic, continuing to explore the pros and cons of online dating without making a definitive argument for or against it.
In Chapter 4, Ansari investigates how online dating has created the illusion of choice. Unlike previous generations, where people often met their future spouse in their own apartment buildings or neighborhoods, today’s singles are bombarded with a seemingly endless supply of dating options online. Innumerous choices might initially seem beneficial, allowing people to comb through multiple profiles to find the perfect one, but too many choices can become debilitating. As Ansari points out through numerous studies and interviews, when people are given more choices, they have a more difficult time choosing. This abundance of choice made possible by the affordances of the Internet is the main factor that separates the previous generations and modern singles. Because older generations had a slimmer dating pool, singles often picked someone nearby and made it work. Today’s singles are weary of settling down too quickly because they think that the perfect choice might be just around the corner. These differences, which are ultimately products of the environment, are responsible for the opposing dating ideologies between the older and younger generations.
