Modern Romance

In this chapter, Ansari explores how different cultures approach dating.

Tokyo: The Land of Herbivores and Tengas

When Ansari first goes to Tokyo, he thinks it would have a rich dating culture because of the city’s exciting environment: There’s always something to do. However, after interviewing singles he quickly realizes that’s not the case. According to a 2013 survey, nearly half of young women and a quarter of young men aren’t interested in having sex; many young people have never dated; and Japan’s birthrate is declining. Due to these statistics, the Japanese government is giving out incentives for people to get married and have children.

The History and Current State of Marriage in Tokyo

Marriages used to be arranged in Japan, or people would find their future spouse in the workplace; but neither of these scenarios happens anymore. Due to the declining Japanese economy, “the modern workplace has become a site for stressful competition. It’s no longer a de facto singles bar for professionals” (157).

Herbivore Men

“Herbivore man” is a culturally specific term used to describe Japanese men who “are very shy and passive and show no interest in sex and romantic relationships” (157). Ansari interviewed many men who would be considered herbivores, and they said that they were interested in women but that they didn’t have time to date. One man, Akira, said that he’s afraid of rejection and would never ask a woman out unless he was confident she would accept him. Even if men wanted to ask women out at a bar, they wouldn’t because if a woman says yes then she’s not “seiso [pure]” enough (158).

When men and women do manage to get each other’s numbers, most often the men don’t take initiative to flirt or set up a date. Instead, the women complain that the men text about boring, non-sexual things. Social scientists hypothesize that herbivore men are the result of a man’s sense of pride. In Japanese culture, “men’s confidence and sense of self is tied to their professional success” (160). With so many young single men still living at home with their parents, not feeling successful in their careers, and being babied by their mothers, “they lose their manly instincts” (160). Women are changing too: They are developing careers, putting off having children, and generally staying single.

A Rice Cooker as a Profile Pic: Welcome to Online Dating in Japan

Ansari notes that online dating “requires self-promotion,” but in Japanese culture selfies are considered “douchey” (163).

Machikon and Gokon

Instead of online dating, people go on gokons, or group dates. Intermingling with a familiar group of young men and women allows them to feel comfortable getting to know one another in a safe environment. Another mingling event is the “machikon,” where “men and women pay to participate in a huge, roving party filled with hundreds and hundreds of singles who wander through neighborhood’s bars and restaurants” (165).

The Relationship Replacement Industry: Eggs, Prostitutes, and Soapland

Because the casual hook-ups that are common place on dating apps aren’t common in Japan, singles who want a no-strings-attached fling have to look in unique places, such as “‘cuddling cafés’ (where clients pay for things like pats on the head, eye contact, and ear cleaning with a Q-tip” (167), sex robots, hostess clubs (where men pay women to listen or have a conversation over drinks), or Soapland (where a “guy lies on a waterproof mattress and a woman covers them both in soapy water and slides all over him” (167)). The sex industry in Japan highly promotes the “Tenga” (170), which is essentially an egg-shaped masturbation device. Ansari tries it but says it’s awkward.

Buenos Aires: The Land of Chongos and Histérico

The men in Buenos Aires seem to be the opposite of the herbivore men, as they’re known for being sexually aggressive: “Whether or not they deserve it, Argentine men have a global reputation for their hot-blooded, romantic passion, which often bleeds over into something pathological and scary” (170). Sixty percent of women admit to having been sexually taunted on the streets in Buenos Aires. Even the mayor condones this behavior in men. The interviewed women say that men still pursue them after they’ve said no, and the men say it’s because women don’t really mean no when they say it. The women agree that there is a culture of playing hard to get, and if the women say yes too quickly it means they’re “easy.” Casual sex is common in Argentina, and flings are called “chongos,” or “strong man” (also known as friends with benefits) (175). Chongos are widely accepted in the culture, and there are numerous telos, or love hotels, lining the streets. Overall, Ansari notes that in Buenos Aires, dating is “extremely exciting, sensual, full or flirtation, pursuit, and casual sex” (176).