My Family Divided: One Girl's Journey of Home, Loss, and Hope

In sophomore year, Diane felt like she was coming into herself. Gabriela joined her in theater class and she spent much of her time out with friends, enjoying life. One afternoon, she was run over and injured in a car accident. Rather than seeking help or allowing the driver to call an ambulance, she hobbled back to Amelia’s house, worried about being taken into foster care if she were discovered. A few weeks later, Amelia told Diane that she would not be able to stay with her anymore, as her eldest daughter was having a child and they needed the space. Diane wondered if she had done something wrong, but Amelia assured her it had nothing to do with her. Diane went to stay with her other friend, Sabrina, and disliked never knowing when she would have to move again. She got a job at a party supply store, started making her own money, and began to feel more confident in herself and her future. She continued to worry, however, that she would not make it as an artist, and wondered what might become of her life if that were so.

Talking to her parents on the phone became painful and something Diane would avoid; her mother in particular always seemed to have several tragic stories to tell. She returned to Colombia for a visit but spent most of it partying with her friends and cousins. At the same time, she slowly lost touch with Erica, her niece. Diane focused on school to cover up the pain she was feeling and spent much of her time trying to be a model citizen in order to avoid drawing any attention to herself. She got a job at a café and was accepted into Regis College in New England. For her senior recital, Diane sang a song called “Poor Butterfly” about a woman abandoned by the man she loves. She identified with the feelings of loss and helplessness. Reflecting, Guerrero notes that “success takes courage” (154). She regrets that her parents were not around to see her grow from a child into a woman.

When Diane started college, she found herself in the racial minority of her immediate community for the first time. She missed her old friends and found it difficult to relate to most of the other students but did get along well with her roommate. She studied political science and put her focus on her studies, avoiding talking to or about her parents as much as possible because of the pain it caused. She visited Colombia for Christmas but continued avoiding her family when she came back home. When Diane couldn’t boost her grades above a B, she talked to a specialist who diagnosed attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and dyslexia. With medication and adequate support from her school, Diane’s grades went up. She met a student named David and began dating him, and they eventually moved in together.

After spending a semester in London and another in Washington, Diane realized that she could not stay on top of her debt. She sank into a depression and isolated herself even more from her family and friends. Her grades dropped and her relationship with David suffered. When Diane began to self-harm, David took her to the hospital. She stopped self-harming for a while but started again soon afterward. She felt ashamed when people stared at her arms in class, and felt that things were spiraling out of control.

Diane talked to her Papi on the phone one night in December 2007. She lied and assured him she was fine. After this the pain felt unbearable to Diane. She walked up to the roof of her apartment building in a haze and sat on the ledge staring down, considering suicide. For a reason she doesn’t recall, she decided to lie down on the ledge and fall asleep there, and when she awoke, she scared herself and slipped off the edge. With all of her strength, she pulled herself back up, and realized that she had fought to survive. She thought of her parents and everything they had sacrificed for her to have a decent life, and she vowed to make the most of it.

Diane didn’t tell anyone about what happened that night, but David sensed that she needed help and suggested she talk to a therapist. Diane found a Latina woman named Lorraine with whom she had rapport. She felt comfortable telling Lorraine about her family history and everything she had been through since her parents’ deportation, as well as her thoughts of suicide. Lorraine believed in Diane and validated her feelings while also motivating her to change how she felt about herself through action. Diane continued seeing Lorraine, and the two eventually started discussing Diane’s future career. Diane was working in a nightclub, a job she hated but needed for the money. Lorraine urged Diane to consider the reasons why she was not reaching for her dreams of a career in acting, and Diane realized that she was holding herself back due to a fear of failure. She reflected on her life and discovered that she had spent most of it acting out of fear—fear of her family’s deportation, fear of disapproval from others, and fear of failure. Lorraine also helped Diane see that she deserved to live and thrive. By November of 2009, Diane was ready to pursue acting.