The Humans

The narrator introduces the details of his disguise on Earth: Professor Andrew Martin, a mathematician who works at Cambridge University. The real Professor Andrew Martin had been on the cusp of discovering the reality of the narrator’s existence, so he was taken by hosts and replaced by the narrator. The mission was to destroy any evidence of life in outer space. The narrator (the new Professor Andrew Martin) expresses a wish to have known the real Andrew Martin more so that he could have understood Earth more. The new Andrew Martin wants to record his story and decides to start with the moment he was hit by a car.

When the creature from outer space first lands on Earth, he finds himself standing alone on a road. He notices the weather and the night. He is there to find a computer but doesn’t see it anywhere. He tries inhaling to keep his body going. He knows he should be in an office and is worried he’ll have to travel far to get there. He is distracted by the oddity of his human form when blinding lights appear in front of him. He is thrown back onto the road, and another human face looks down on him. He is repulsed by this face, then tries to concentrate on what the man is asking him. He requires 100 words before he can understand a language. This narrator is of the most advanced species in the universe and reveals that he was forced to take the mission on Earth because no one else wanted to.

He slips out of consciousness and reawakens in an ambulance. Two humans are trying to treat him, but he needs to find the computer for his mission. The narrator pushes off the first responders, removes the equipment on his body, and jumps out of the truck. Now surrounded by cars, he is worried it will rain. On his planet, cars drive themselves in the air, and the weather is “non-weather.” The cars honk at him and people seem offended by him. He finds a sign that points him in a direction, so he follows the road even though he’s not quite sure where he’s going. When he spots a building, he decides to go inside and explore.

The building he enters is actually a gas station: Texaco. People filling their cars with gas stare at him. The bewildered gas station attendant presses a button beneath the counter. The narrator suddenly feels thirsty and helps himself to a Diet Coke from the fridge. Then, he notices wrapped food. He tries to eat a Mars bar and some Barbeque Pringles. Though he likes the taste okay, he finds it difficult to understand his gag reflex. The attendant tells him he needs to pay for what he consumes.

The narrator moves his attention to the stacks of magazines. He uses a copy of Cosmopolitan to learn the English language. He realizes that magazines are used to sell things and that much of the magazine is invested in the idea of orgasms. The narrator starts to remember details of his new identity, such as his name and job. He realizes he must be in Britain when he finds a map of the British Isles. He tries to leave, but the station attendant tells him the doors are locked and the police are coming. Andrew opens the door anyway, and at the sound of sirens, he starts running away from the road with the map in hand. He hides from the police, then uses the map to head to Cambridge. As he walks, he recalls other details of his new identity. Andrew Martin is married and has a son. 

Andrew arrives in Cambridge and is surprised to see that all the buildings on Earth are attached to the ground. He doesn’t find the structures particularly interesting or beautiful. He is impressed by the number of stores he sees. The bookstores especially fascinate him. On his home planet, reading is a rapid consumption of information, but humans need much more time to read a book and learn something. The shopgirls giggle at Andrew’s body; confused, he tries to ignore them and peruse the books. He finds two books on mathematics by Andrew Martin, and because he doesn’t have money, he steals them and runs out of the store. On the street, he slows down to a walk and begins to read the books. He is looking for evidence of the Riemann hypothesis, but he doesn’t find any.

Andrew notices that people in the street are still staring at him. He comes across a man who seems like he’s in pain, a reminder to Andrew that on Earth, people suffer and die. Suddenly too aware of the stares and laughter from other people on the street, Andrew turns into the first building he sees: the College of Corpus Christi and the Blessed Virgin Mary. The police are close behind him; by now, Andrew has figured out that flashing blue lights signal trouble. Andrew is confused by how the police are looking at him as though he is an alien, even though he looks like them. He identifies himself as Professor Andrew Martin and is led away to the police car. 

At the police station, Andrew is given clothes to wear. He learns about underwear, shirts, and pants. When he discovers that the law he broke was not wearing clothes in public, he is shocked. He is unsure why humans are so offended by nudity, nor is he certain why being locked in a room is punishment. 

Two men enter the room. Anxiety, an unfamiliar emotion, puts Andrew on edge. The two men want to know why he committed what they refer to as a “public order offense.” Andrew tells them who he is, that he is married to Isobel Martin, and that he has a son named Gulliver. He tells them that he doesn’t like to wear clothes, saying that clothes chafe and possibly interfere with his ability to have an orgasm. Even though Andrew is confident in this answer based on the amount he read about the importance of the orgasm in Cosmopolitan, the detectives set him up with a psychiatric evaluation.

The hospital staff assure Andrew that everyone is concerned about his well-being and that the university confirmed that he has been working long hours. Even though Andrew knows he has a wife, Isobel, he is confused by the concept of marriage. He finds love to be a weak emotion if it needs a marriage to uphold it, especially because it can be undone by divorce. Andrew figures out that every question he is asked in the hospital is a test—that humans seem to love tests. He theorizes that humans are interested in tests because they make them feel like they have a better semblance of control or logic than other people. Andrew laughs at the idea of free will, a concept that he knows humans care deeply about.

He ends up in a mental hospital, medicated with diazepam and locked in yet another room. Even though he knows he could escape, he decides to stay put and go along with it all so he can learn more. 

Andrew theorizes that humans don’t like people they deem “mad” unless they are prolific creative types. He concludes that the only way to appear sane on Earth is to follow all standards of society without drawing attention to oneself.

Andrew’s wife, Isobel, a historian, comes to visit him in the hospital. Even though he is as repulsed by her as he is the other human beings, he admires her poise and tries to be open to liking her, since she is technically his wife. He can tell that Isobel is afraid. She asks him for an explanation, telling him that she woke up and he was gone, even though his car and all his belongings were still at home. Isobel expresses her concern that he’s been working too hard and putting himself under too much pressure. She holds his hand, a touch that Andrew finds strange and uncomforting even though he can understand her intention. 

Andrew is sent to the dining hall for food. He doesn’t like being around so many humans at the same time, and the smell of their food disgusts him. He is especially turned off by the dead cow, advertised as beef for eating. Though he doesn’t have any sympathy for a dead cow, he doesn’t want to eat one either. He sticks to vegetables and observes the room around him. Soon, a girl with pink hair named Zoë approaches him.