The Light We Lost

A week after Valentine’s Day, Lucy receives a phone call from a number she does not recognize. It is Gabe, and he is emotional because he was beaten up in Baghdad by someone trying to take his camera. He is physically okay, but he needed to hear her voice. He says he will be back in New York the coming summer. However, that summer she gets an email from Gabe telling her he won’t be able to meet with her because he is returning to Baghdad. Lucy takes her anger at Gabe and funnels it into her show, It Takes a Galaxy, as an episode about a character who is beat up for taking pictures on a neighboring planet. It becomes the most talked about episode of the show. Lucy thanks Gabe for the inspiration.

With Gabe, the future was fleeting. With Darren, it is discussed ad nauseum. Darren shows Lucy his bucket list and encourages her to write one. On her list, Lucy includes marriage and children, but she also adds she wants to take a trip to Paris on a whim, and she wants to adopt a dog. When Darren notices Lucy wrote she wants to be executive producer on a kid’s show, he tells her “that’s cute” (124). Lucy is annoyed, as she feels this shows he does not take her work or dreams seriously enough, while Gabe always respected her dreams.

For Darren’s birthday, he and Lucy decide to check something off his bucket list by riding bikes from Brooklyn to Montauk Point. Lucy is worried about being alone with Darren for so long, but his excitement assuages her fears. They stop for peanut butter sandwiches on the first day. Darren tells Lucy all the things he packed to help with sore muscles and “a chafed butt” (128). Lucy is so appreciative, she tells him she loves him. Darren admits he has loved her for months but did not want to scare her off. Lucy realizes Darren understands her.

After the bike ride, Lucy gets a message from Gabe that he is in town and wants to see her. She tells Darren about the meeting, and he asks her to come to his apartment afterward. Lucy is nervous and excited about the meeting. Gabe greets her warmly, and they catch up on their lives. Lucy finds herself wishing Gabe would make a pass at her, despite her belief that she would not be unfaithful to Darren. She knows the whole situation is difficult for Darren, but she also realizes that he believes she belongs fully to him, even though she believes she does not.

The next day, Lucy goes shopping with Kate to help her prepare for a trip with Tom. Kate insists on going to Bloomingdale’s, but Lucy has been avoiding that store since Gabe left because it reminds her of the day they shopped for a dress for the Daytime Emmy’s. As Kate tries on swimsuits, Lucy tells her that she loves Darren, but she feels more alive with Gabe. Kate does not understand. She tells Lucy that her sister once told her she categorizes relationships in terms of fire. It could be a wildfire, exciting but burning out quickly, a hearth fire that keeps you warm and comfortable, or a bonfire—a one-night stand. Lucy recognizes that Darren is her hearth fire and Gabe her wildfire. She wonders if it would be worth losing a hearth fire to try something else. Kate says that no relationship can make a person a hundred percent happy. Lucy wonders what percentage of happiness she represents for both Darren and Gabe. She imagines Gabe was nowhere near a hundred percent since he left, but she wonders if he regrets his choice given his current circumstances.

Lucy and Darren approach their one-year anniversary. They make plans to go out to dinner on the day, but Darren reveals he has already gotten Lucy a present. On both their bucket lists is a desire to have a dog. Darren has rescued a small dog and presents it to Lucy. While the dog is exciting, Lucy is annoyed that Darren didn’t bring her in on the decision making or the choice of dog. They name her Annie, short for Anniversary. While still slightly annoyed, Lucy is won over by Darren’s excitement.

Lucy and Darren make plans to go to Colorado to have Christmas with Darren’s family. Jayson agrees to watch Annie while Lucy is gone. He asks if Lucy is serious about Darren. Lucy admits she might be.

On the night before Darren and Lucy are due to fly out, Darren begins running a high fever. Lucy takes charge, changing their flight for two days later and gathering over-the-counter drugs to treat his flu. As Lucy cares for Darren, she decides he is her Old Nassau experiment, and “the longer we were together, the more I loved him, and the better it got” (145).

Lucy acknowledges that Gabe’s return to her is the only thing that could stop her from accepting a marriage proposal from Darren. She sees one of Gabe’s photographs in the New York Times revealing that he moved to Pakistan. She has a nightmare that night and emails Gabe the next day. While relieved to learn Gabe is okay, she is upset that he did not tell her he moved. Looking back, she knows he moved for a woman, and she knows she would not have handled the news well.

Lucy and Darren decide to move in together, and they rent a new apartment. Lucy cannot help but compare moving in with Darren to moving in with Gabe. To her, it feels more serious moving in with Darren. She compares their interactions with her interactions with Gabe, wondering if Gabe would find them foolish.

About the time construction begins on the Freedom Tower, Lucy has coffee with Gabe. He tells her for the first time about his girlfriend, Raina. Lucy is hurt by the news and questions her relationship with Darren, despite her strong feelings for him.

A few weeks later, Darren arranges a surprise trip for Lucy. He gives her a list of things to pack, confusing her by leaving off a bathing suit. Lucy assumes they are going to the Hamptons. However, Darren announces they are taking a weekend trip to Paris to mark it off Lucy’s bucket list. Again, Lucy is annoyed by the surprise and lack of inclusion in the planning. However, once they arrive, she is excited and enjoys sightseeing. In front of the Eiffel Tower, Darren proposes. She says yes, only later admitting she overlooked his faults in that moment.

Jayson invites Lucy to a family day at the lab where he works. He is concerned his wife, Vanessa, will struggle on her own surrounded by children—they have been struggling with fertility issues. Lucy enjoys watching Jayson and his colleagues perform science experiments for the kids. She meets one of Jayson’s colleagues, a good-looking man named Christopher Morgan, with whom she flirts. She feels guilty later when he asks her out, and she has to tell him she is engaged. Lucy wonders if maybe she is rushing into things with Darren, but when he returns from a trip that night, she believes marriage with him is what she wants. However, she cannot help but wonder if accepting Darren’s proposal might have changed the outcome of her story with Gabe.

Lucy and Darren’s wedding takes place at the Boathouse in Central Park on Thanksgiving weekend. On the morning of the wedding, Lucy wakes to her cellphone ringing. It is Gabe on the other end. His girlfriend has broken up with him, and he wants to reconnect with Lucy to find out if he makes himself unavailable to the people he loves. After carefully confirming that he does, she tells him he will find love again someday. When Lucy tells him it is her wedding day, Gabe is apologetic.

Lucy struggles with her emotions; she is sure she wants to marry Darren, but she thinks about Gabe as well. She tells her mother she thinks “Darren loves me more than I love him” (169), and her mother assures her that is not unusual. When Lucy brings up Gabe, her mother tells her that she still has the option to walk away. Lucy compares the two: Gabe chose himself over their relationship, and Darren did not take her career seriously, but he made her happy. She wonders if her feelings for Gabe are only an infatuation but does not truly believe it. Ultimately, she chooses to marry Darren.

Lucy and Darren go to Turkey on their honeymoon. She makes notes as they sightsee, jotting down story ideas for It Takes a Galaxy. Darren becomes annoyed and asks her to stop. They take a hot air balloon ride and see Devrent Valley where the rocks all look like people and animals. Lucy finds Darren annoying because he insists on referring to her as Mrs. Maxwell, a name she will use in her private life but not in her professional life.