The Light We Lost

The five-year reunion of Lucy and Gabe’s graduating class at Columbia brings Gabe back into Lucy’s orbit. She is annoyed by the attention to her pregnancy she draws at the party because everyone fails to ask about her career. Lucy was just promoted to assistant producer and is developing her own show. She runs into Gabe, and they exchange a few words, mostly about his sense of disorientation each time he comes back to New York. Lucy returns to the security of Darren.

Lucy goes into labor and waits out the early pains at home. Violet comes into the world “beautiful and perfect” (186). Darren, who has always labeled babies as “unattractive,” finds his daughter to be an exception to the rule. In the aftermath of the birth, Lucy acknowledges that while her marriage is not perfect, there is love in it.

During the first few months of motherhood, Lucy struggles. Her day is filled with frequent breast feedings and diaper changes. During one particularly messy diaper incident, Darren comes home just in time to find Lucy struggling. He helps clean up the mess, but he is blindsided when Lucy suddenly announces she wants to go back to work after her maternity leave is over. He insists no one can care for Violet as well as her own mother. Lucy argues that Violet deserves a happy mother, and staying home is not making Lucy happy. When Darren continues to argue, Lucy points out that he would not stay home if given the opportunity to raise Violet as a stay-at-home father, and therefore it is unfair to assume Lucy would want to give up her career. Lucy and Darren hire a nanny, and Lucy goes back to work.

Not long after going back to work, Lucy sees a Facebook post announcing Gabe’s wedding engagement. She is heartbroken despite her constant reminders to herself that she has a good life, a husband, and a child. She goes through Gabe’s pictures of himself and his fiancée, discovering that both Gabe and his fiancée have Wikipedia pages. She and Darren do not.

Over the summer, Darren and Lucy rent a house in Westhampton Beach. Darren suggests they buy a house there, but Lucy brushes the thought off. Back in New York, Lucy learns that there has been a bombing in Pakistan. Lucy quickly checks Gabe’s Facebook and sees that he knew people involved but is safe. The incident causes Gabe to cross Lucy’s mind frequently.

While working from home and listening to Violet interact with the nanny, Lucy receives an email from Gabe. Gabe is in New York, and he asks if she has time to meet for coffee. Lucy discusses the message with Darren. They agree she should meet with Gabe, but Darren insists Lucy take Violet with her. Over coffee, Gabe tells Lucy that he and his fiancée broke up. Gabe comments on how happy Lucy clearly is. He worries that he will never find happiness, and that perhaps he is the kind of person who cannot be happy. Gabe tells Lucy he misses her and what they had, adding that he wishes he hadn’t left like he did. Lucy quickly ends the meeting, wearing sunglasses to hide her tears.

Lucy and Darren attend a wedding for Darren’s friend, Gavin. At the reception, Gavin explains to Lucy what “paper doll” means, the label he placed on her when she and Darren first began dating. He explains that, on paper, she is Darren’s perfect girl. When Lucy confronts Darren on this, he laughs it off, but it bothers Lucy. She wonders if Darren only chose her because she ticked all his boxes.

For Lucy’s 30th birthday, Darren and Lucy go to Australia. When they arrive, Lucy immediately calls Violet who does not seem to notice her parents are gone. They find roses, champagne, and strawberries in the room at the hotel. Unable to sleep, Lucy realizes she forgot her birth control. Darren tells her not to worry because he would like to have another child, not taking into account that Lucy is not ready for another child. They conceive their second child, Liam, in Australia.

The pregnancy causes a case of insomnia in Lucy. Late one night, she and happens to catch Gabe on The Daily Show discussing his new book, Defiant, a collection of his photographs. On the show, Gabe announces he prefers New York women, and Lucy finds herself wondering if he is talking about her.

When Liam is four months old, in 2011, President Obama announces the death of Osama bin Laden. Lucy immediately goes to Gabe’s Twitter feed, curious about what he has to say about it. She direct-messages him, expressing her disbelief that this part of their experience with September 11, 2001 is over. He tells her, “I feel like the world has shifted on its axis” (211). Lucy agrees.

Two months later, Lucy’s friend Julia calls her to inform her that Gabe has a gallery show in New York that is featured in an article in Time Out New York. Lucy asks Julia to go with her to the show during their lunch hours. The show begins with the most recent of Gabe’s photographs, working back in time until the attendees move around a corner and discover a wall of pictures featuring Lucy during her relationship with Gabe. Lucy is shocked. She buys one of Gabe’s books and returns to the office, sending him an email letting him know she saw the show. She tells Gabe that he should have sought her permission before putting her image in the show. He agrees but admits he was afraid she would not allow it. He tells her the show would not have felt complete without her, and Time Out New York article calls her his muse.

At home, Lucy tells Darren about the show and encourages him to read the article. Angry that her image is in the show, Darren insists on seeing it. He rushes through the crowd at the show and goes directly to Lucy’s pictures. They argue over Gabe for the first time that night, and Lucy tells Darren that she loves only Darren, believing it to be true at the time. Afterward, she makes a conscious effort to push Gabe from her mind and concentrate on her family.

On the tenth anniversary of the September 11 terrorist attacks, Violet’s school participates in a program that celebrates the day as Heroes’ Day in honor of first responders. Memorials take place all over the city. Gabe reaches out to Lucy, and both feel the connection of having spent that dark day together.

When the U.S. Embassy is bombed in Kabul, Lucy reaches out to Gabe and learns that he is unharmed, but he lost several friends. He tells her, “I’m not okay” (222). Lucy does not respond.

Lucy is in the park playing with Violet when she gets a call from Gabe telling her that his mother has died. When Lucy learns he is at John F. Kennedy Airport, she decides to go meet him. She calls Darren, and he insists she take Violet with her. When Lucy and Violet arrive, they find Gabe waiting by the doors. Lucy quickly goes to comfort him, and Violet does the same, taking her cues from both Lucy and Gabe. Gabe tells Lucy that he feels as if there is nothing left to keep him secured to the world, and that all the people who matter are gone. Lucy is saddened by this thought and is grateful it does not apply to her.

Violet suggests to Lucy and Darren that they invite Gabe to their home to cheer him up. Lucy does not expect Darren to be open to the idea, but she is surprised when he agrees to it. She makes the arrangements, equally surprised when Gabe accepts the invitation. On the day, Lucy and Violet decorate the apartment with balloons. The nanny takes Liam out, and Gabe arrives, his head shaved in a show of grief. They make cookies, and Violet insists Gabe play a game of hide-and-seek dressed as kings and queens. While Violet hides, she discovers the washing machine is leaking. In a panic, Lucy calls Darren who can only tell her to call the plumber. Gabe, however, quickly cuts the power to the washing machine and tightens the connections, fixing the issue. They share the cookies, and then Gabe leaves, thanking Lucy for the day. Lucy and Gabe stay in contact via email for a while afterward, but Gabe moves around so often that they once again lose touch.